True Love

Welcome to the first blog from my new website called, “A Kinder World.” I am dedicating this blog to my mom who passed away in 2017 from heart failure. I find this appropriate because February is American Heart Month and love is a part of having and keeping a healthy heart. If 2020-2021 has taught us anything it has been the importance of relationships with people and taking care of the health of loved ones, and that includes ourselves.

I am happy to announce my first blog will be on the topic of true love, one of my all-time favorite subjects. Just saying those two words make me smile — in fact, I am smiling right now. In this post I am going to refrain from providing a definite definition of what I think true love means because my son defines it perfectly in a letter I have included in this post he wrote to me (included below). True love makes a kinder world for all. As we know, the expression of true love can take many forms. We can give true love and experience this in family, friendships, our relationships with our colleagues, neighbors, people in society, nature, and of course in our most intimate of relationships with our lover/life partner.

Love and kindness in my opinion have the power to heal almost any wound. I feel this way because over the course of my life, I have seen how when shown to others it has been healing for many human conditions. I know in my heart that if everyone was given the right kind of love in their life (true love) when they were born and throughout their lives, much of the suffering that is currently going on in the world would be reduced.

It would be reduced because we would look out for each other more and see each other the way we were meant to see each other — and that is perfectly imperfect. I write “perfectly imperfect” because it is my belief that this way of thinking provides the opportunity to keep ourselves in check and humble no matter our status or successes in life. This is important because knowing we are all imperfect and that we all make mistakes, (I have made many, trust me) takes away the view of self-superiority, which is the cause of many divisive ways of thinking, that leave some people feeling unloved in many areas of their life; some their whole life. Writing this breaks my heart. True love is a necessity in all of its forms. It is what keeps humans connected to this life. For me personally, believing this way has been my life raft — one I have clung to through faith. No matter your life experience or past traumas, when we dare to love again despite pain, abuse or other types of trauma, it is an act of defiance and that is powerful.

With that being said, I am sharing a personal letter from my son Jake because it is amazing that this came from someone 22 years old at the time this was written. It is also important that we put ourselves out there and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. I am willing to do this if it helps someone else in the process — good, bad or ugly. The sharing of stories are important. My three children have always been supportive of me no matter what it is I have wanted to do in my life. So, I called Jake up and asked him if he minded if I shared the letter he wrote to me with you. Without hesitation he gave me permission. I will never forget the day I came home from the grocery store to find this letter on my table. I was a little shocked because I do not ever remember asking my son what true love was. However, I must have at some point. I think it is possible that what I was really thinking but out loud was, “What does true love feel like?” “What does it look like?” “How will I know?”

At the time this letter was written, it had been a little over a year and a half since my mom had passed away at home with me. I was exhausted, grieving and feeling lonely. I was longing for a wonderful romantic relationship with all the bells and whistles, where pain was not the foundation. So if you are reading this, feeling lonely, sad or are wondering what true love is or should feel like, here it is according to my son, Jake. I hope this inspires you to not give up on finding true love by surrounding yourself with people who are good, kind and loving. Below is the letter from Jake in its entirety. I hope when you read this, you can pretend this letter was meant for you regardless of your gender.

“Mother, I ‘ve heard you ask what true love is a few times over the past day or two. It saddens me to hear this, as I understand your frustrations going through what you have been in your lifetime. I wanted to write this letter for you to tell you what I believe true love is. It is something you know more about than you think. You have given true love to others your whole life, yet never truly received it in return. I am sorry if this elicits unwanted emotions, but I hope it sheds light on what you deserve, which is true love. True love to me is loving someone unconditionally (which is a common saying but what does that actually mean?) Despite any downfall they have or flaw you love them through it and never exploit that flaw to damage them. You see the insecurities in that person and help them through their difficulties and difficult times, not make those times more difficult. You do these things not for personal growth or to promote a hidden agenda, you do it out of love. NO ONE knows this better than you mom. When grandma needed you, you were there with no hesitation willing to sacrifice everything and build her up. That is true love. You expected nothing in return and showed the patience of a saint. You DO know what true love is. You never thought of breaking anyone down for even a split second in your entire life. You have come to a time in your life where you should accept nothing less but the same thing for yourself. You have seen what you do not deserve your entire life, now you get to be selfish and go get what you’re worth. You deserve to be happy, confident and radiant mom, and whoever you are with should make you feel that way. You should have someone who gives you their whole heart and never, EVER breaks you down. That man will come, I promise you. I love you mom, stay strong. With love, your son Jake.”

Needless to say, after reading this it brought me to tears. I almost did not know what to say to Jake except thank you for being so loving to me. I also tell Rachel and Sarah this too. I am super blessed. I have my children, fantastic colleagues, students, and a few close and dear people in my life who care for me, and no matter what the rest of my life brings me in terms of romantic love, I will always choose love over the opposite. Lastly, I have recently been reminded that I do not have to let people in my life who are toxic and neither do you. You can choose to walk away and that it is OK to protect yourself. Isn’t that a form of true love, too?

Thanks for taking the time to read this. And a huge shout out to my daughter Rachel Zabonick-Chonko who set up this platform for me to put my true stories on. Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section.

Lisa Zabonick Ed.D